When I Was Small and Mama was My World

I am drained. Largely from attending to my darling Matthew who cannot have me out of his sight for more than a minute.

When we are out, he would hold only mama's hand while walking. When he is tired, he would only have me carry him. At home, even if I sat right in front of him, I must be with him, paying attention to what he was doing - no such thing as I read my book and he reads his. No one else reads like mama. No staying in the living room with helper aunty to play toys while mama eats her dinner with papa at the dining table. If I am around, no one else can change his yuck-yuck diaper except for mama. He would sit on no other lap other than mama's fleshy ones. He would have no one else put him to bed. Only mama can put him in and take him out from the car seat. No other sound but mama's deep voice can comfort him when he is upset.

It's so nice to know that he wants me me and me.

Sometimes though, I am more tired than happy. Whenever that happens, I exude negative energy to all in the household. I'd open my wardrobe and see how little nice clothes I have, and be bitter about how I have no more time to go shopping. Why can't hubs take over for a day and I can go buy some nice stuff for myself? I'd walk to the bookshelf and see all the books I want to read. Or glance at the Grey's Anatomy DVDs that I have been meaning to watch. And all the unorganized photos and my long-time unpublished website. I have no time for myself anymore. Why doesn't Matt understand that I am here for him, always, but that sometimes, mama just needs a short break? Why must he climb onto the chair and stand behind me when I just need 5 minutes to enjoy my cup of coffee? Why doesn't he let me poo in peace? I'd take it out on hubs for anything remotely small and insignificant. I'd be easily agitated. I'd go about the day feeling a tonne.

Until night falls. We'd adjourn to his bedroom for our quiet time before he sleeps. As he cuddled up to me, I'd feel so overwhelmed I'd sometimes cry. I'd feel so small and embarassed to have even thought those thoughts. I realise that I haven't been counting my blessings. I have taken things for granted.

I would not have it any other way. I am very very tired, but I am happy that I mean the world to my little boy. I should be.