Snip Snip!

We brought Matt to hub's barber 2 weekends ago. Already resembling hubs almost 90%, Matt now looks another 2% more like papa sporting the SAME haircut!

I first brought Matt to my hairdresser, and he tried to give him a stylish haircut! Matt squirmed around quite a fair bit, turning abruptly each time the razor is brought near him. He "over-razored" when Matt made one really big movement. Towards the end, I could tell he lost a bit of his ambition, and became a tad bit impatient, understandably.

This time round, experienced as we are, we brought along the most powerful tool there is - my laptop and Bob the Builder DVD! He was frowning throughout the haircut by the sounds of the blaring razor, but Bob proved far more attention-grabbing.

Prior to these 2 "professional" cuts, I used to trim his hair while he was sleeping, and "you never know what you gonna get" till he woke up.

I kind of miss his scruffy look with his long-er hair. Think maybe I will attempt to trim again ... tee hee hee!

A Change Is, Perhaps, In Order

I've had my helper for coming to 2 years soon.  Now that her contract is coming to an end, I am in two minds.  I would like to keep her, but there is somehow a "but" whenever I decide to do so.

Her worst offence - little respect for me as an employer.  She stared me in the eye and shouted back at me on several ocassions.  Every friend I know who has a maid said I ought to send her back there and then, but I chose the easier way out - it's more convenient to keep than to train a new one who might turn out to be worse.  Her saving grace - she is good with, and to, Matt.  That is of utmost importance to me.  So I let it slide.

 I continually grapple with how to make her "family" without her getting too big-headed.  I mean, I am of the opinion that if I create a pleasant working environment for her, treat her like family, only then will she embrace us as family in return and be happy working for us.  As a result, however, she feels that she is indispensible, behaves like she is, always cutting corners in getting things done, thinking I am unaware.  Little does she know that I have chosen my battles to fight.  If I can live with it, I will tolerate.  If it involves Matthew, she gets it bad from me.  When I have a bad day, I spare nothing.

Let me count more unpleasantries -

She never admits she is wrong, something else is always to be blamed.  I cannot correct her when she is wrong.  It is never her fault, and she gives a black face for the rest of the day.  Even when she gave medication wrongly to Matt.

She is tired all the time, despite retiring at 10.30pm on average, and waking up at almost 7am, taking a nap in the afternoon.

I tend to Matt if he wakes up in the middle of the night.  She is only supposed to wake up in the early morning to make milk and feed Matt before he wakes up hungry cause then he will have trouble falling asleep again.  She always over-sleeps and blames it on the alarm clock.  I monitor if she wakes up.  I figured I might as well just wake up and feed Matt myself, than to get upset knowing that she failed to do so.

I cook for her, as she does not know how to.

She is wasteful, throwing away half a loaf of bread the day it expires.  I eat expired bread for up to 2 days.  She tries not to keep any left-overs, because she knows we will have to eat the same food.

I could go on, but what's the point.

So why am I so hesitant in changing her?  Because she does have some good points, and on good days, we do get along ok.  Because I feel that Matt takes well to her to quite an extent.  Because she is pretty ok with Matt.  Because I am a worry-wart.  Many what-ifs.  In particular, what if the next one is horrendous?!

But I should have faith.  Maybe the next one will be better than this one!  If I managed to train the current one, I can always do it again, right?  And I figured if I do plan for more kids, then I will probably need a more hardworking helper.

Sigh.  Should I, or should I not?

Interesting Read -

Why Everything You Thought You Knew About Being A Good Parent is WRONG

Part-time SAHM

With the recent spike in separation anxiety and the tearful episodes each time I leave him to go to work, my mind has been toying with the idea of staying home full-time again, something which I experienced for 3 months after I packed my suits and left my full-time banking job in Nov last year. I have always felt strongly that I should not choose to give birth and then let someone else look after my baby!

Honestly, the 3 months were tough. Adjusting from corporate world to full-time SAHM took quite a bit of effort. Hubs drove the car to work, so I stayed couped up at home 24-7 as we live in a pretty inaccessible area. The 3 months also coincided with Matt being extremely clingy. Despite having the helper doing all the housework, I was very tired. I hardly brought Matt out. The thought of packing his pram, carrying a bag load of milk powder, diapers, flasks of water, carrying the boy, loading him into the cab, all by myself - I always ended up choosing the easier route of staying home. But I didn't know what to do with Matt at home either. Day in day out, I did nothing but stacked blocks with him. I reached a point when I actually looked forward to Fridays when I'd leave Matt with my in-laws so I could have my one day of rest! This cannot be!!

In Feb, I was approached by my ex-boss to re-enter the workforce, but I was unwilling to give up staying at home with Matt. I knew he was happy to have me at home, and has started showing signs of learning things very quickly with me around. But I was't sure if it was going to be sustainable for long. I spent a lot of time with Matt, yes, but it was not necessarily quality time. I used to think I was cut out to be a SAHM, but it was seriously tough. I felt like a failure, and I was depressed. But I was also honest with myself.

Hubs persuaded me to consider my boss' proposal. He felt that I was overly consumed by Matthew, and that I needed more balance in my life. So I thought, maybe working part-time might be the solution. I felt horrible, I love my boy so very much, but yet, it was as if I was looking for an escape from him! My ex-boss was persistent, and one thing led to another, and we agreed on a part-time work arrangement. I thought, ok, if this doesn't work out, it would be easy for me to walk away.

I have been working for 7 months now on this part-time arrangement, and I truly believe it is the best balance for any mother.

I have some connectivity with the financial markets, friends. I have some time for personal errands, including errands for the family. And most importantly, I have enough energy after work to take the car, drive home and pick my boy out to go do stuff. We go for music or swim lessons, go to the park, have playdates outside of our own home, go grocery shopping. I have also been very fortunate to have a kind boss who is very flexible with my working arrangement.

In all honesty, this part-time SAHM is still very tired, comparable to when I was a full-time SAHM - wuahahahaha! But I feel more accomplished, and I'd like to think that Matt is growing up wonderfully.

Little Things 2

Whenever Matt gives a kiss, he gives a cheek-to-cheek one. Very chi-chi.

He calls himself "Matt-chu."

Matt had many mozzie bites on his legs when we went to Klang to visit my parents. I scratched for him as he scratched so hard some of the scars bled. Since then, each time I say "stop scratching!" he'll bring my hands to wherever's itchy and say "mama crat-ching!"

Related to the mozzie bite incident, he'd ask me to "put cweam" or "put lotion" each time he feels itch somewhere.

He gets excited each time I pack his swim stuff. He'll exclaim, "Go shimming!" Tired after swimming, he'll say "go home!" all through the journey in the car.

Matt recognizes roads better than my mom! Whenever I turn into my estate, he'd know which roads he'll see buses parked by the roadside, which road leads to yeye's house, and which road leads him to "go home!" He'd protest when I turn into the road leading to yeye's house, and breaks in panic mode when I stop my car.

He loves thick toast, and not the usual thin slices of bread. Atas.

When I pretend to lie down to sleep, he'd come close with a pained look on his face, cup my face in his little palms, and say "mama! wake up!" Sometimes, he will pull me by my hair when I refuse to budge!!

He loves a good story, especially one that involves mega animation. He can read a book over and again if he likes it. One of his absolute favourites is the story of Jonah. He goes "oh no!" when the sailors throw Jonah into the sea, and "glub glub glub!" when the big fish swallows Jonah. The picture on the last page shows Jonah looking at Nineveh, and Matt, on his own, said, "Jonah go home!" Indeed, to where God wanted Jonah to be. Amen! :)

Every night, he'll keep still as I hold him and say our nightly prayer, and just as I say "in Jesus most previous name", he will shout "Amen!" and start squirming all about after.

Two Hearts Beat As One

Last Friday night, hubs and I decided to go home earlier from our Friday couple's night out for fear that Matt would not go to sleep without me, which happened the week before. True enough, when we got home, he was wailing after he scoured the living room, kitchen, went upstairs, our room, our study and his room and found no trace of mommy! The joy on his face when I showed up - it was indescribable.

I took a quick shower with him wailing outside the bathroom, refusing to let me out of his sight. That night, instead of his usual squirming all around the sofa, he climbed onto my lap and hugged me tight and fell asleep sitting up and leaning upon my chest, something he has not done for a long while. He used to love sleeping on me or hubs when he was little, listening to our heart beat. He has refused that sleep posture forever!

That Friday night, I just held him long after he fell asleep, taking in every second of it.

We so miss this!

I Don't Like Being Alone!

Waiting in the office for hubs, surfing aimlessly, looking forward to dinner of noodles he bought back from Hong Kong yesterday, only to receive a call from him asking me to drive home first - he'll be working late tonight.  And to top it off, ...

He'll be flying off again!!  It's the long weekend, and I had been looking forward to spending 3 full days of fun, fun and more fun with my boys.

I am supposed to be a an understanding wife.  There'll still be 2 days of fun, at least.  It's not all that bad.  Deep breaths.  Count to 10.

I still wanna cry!  :(

Tantrum Crying

Over in about 38 seconds

How to Say No?!

My Boys

Matt - Life on the Fast Lane

Today is special. Different from the other days away from work.

I woke up, missing hubs who's away for work, but refusing to sink into any negative thoughts, I jumped out of bed and started the day bright and early. Shortly after, my little one began to stir, but he looked so tired I decided to pat him back to sleep. He slept for another hour! Once he was done with brekkie, I drove him all by myself to Fidgets to meet a friend and her son. Normally, I would bring helper along, but not today. While he misbehaved in the car - took his arms out from the car seat belt, even attempting to open the child-locked door at one point - I realized it's manageable (by telling him loudly the story of the box who fell off the truck because "he" did not put on seat belt). Perhaps I am more confident of my driving now, too. But it was liberating knowing I can do it on my own.

We had a great time at Fidgets. It was nice meeting and catching up with friend, to see her son who is the best signer around. Rachel of Baby Signing Time would be proud! :)

As I was driving home, I looked into the rear mirror, and as I saw Matt playing with my credit cards and talking to himself, I felt all warmy fuzzy inside. He is such a big boy now, and a part of me wants him to stay forever cute like now. The last time we were at Fidgets, he had just started crawling and didn't do very much then. Today, he returned and tackled the older kids' play area, walking, running, climbing, sliding. My little boy is growing up too fast!!

I've had a great day! It shall continue after he wakes up from his nap!

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life!

Somehow just feel lousy today. Heart and mind everywhere else but where they are supposed to be. Maybe missing hubs. Photos lost due to external harddisk crashing worsened things. Hopefully retrievable from the disorganized mess of hub's computer, my old laptop and my new Mac. And my mind has the image of Matt crying and clinging on to my legs this morning, begging me not to go to work.

Super sian.

Bright side - no work tomorrow, so I am gonna drive Matt out somewhere to make up for today! Yay!

I Want My Mama!

Earlier, we were out on our usual Friday couple's night out when I received a call from my father-in-law that Matt has been crying for me. My helper, father- and mother-in-law tried but were unable to put him to bed. I could hear Matt shrieking hysterically in the background. I knew something wasn't quite right when even his favourite Bob the Builder DVD couldn't stop the tears. We rushed home.

He's asleep now, finally.

While tonight's "unconsolable episode" is a first, situations as these where Matt displays extreme clingy-ness generated some flak from many quarters, especially the in-laws, including the helper, and not sparing hubs. We even went to the extent of trying to discipline him in an attempt to make him more independent. Clingy-ness has become a "bad thing." I questioned myself, and wondered if I had done things wrong to cause such a "symptom."

Honestly, all I have done is to be a mother. A doting one. The more I think about it, the more seriously I think that there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's natural. And I feel strongly that the strong attachment should not be viewed negatively! Matthew is just a little kid who needs and wants his mom. All perfectly natural! Why train him to not want me so much? It's just against the laws of nature.

I should count my blessings, and treasure times as these. I love my boy. And it's great and right that he loves, wants and needs me by his side.

My Face is Wet! Arghh!

INTERIM SCORE
"Beat the teacher! Go up! Go home!" 1
"Go schimming! One two three, jump!" 3

Matt seemed to enjoy his first swim lesson at Marsden, but completely hated it the second time round. He asked to go home and actually cried when the instructor took him. He clung on to me chanting "go home, go home" and actually smacked the the instructor's arms twice!

50-50, I thought to myself. Ok, I'd give it another go, and if he behaved the same way, I will stop swim lessons. I just want him to have fun, no point forcing the issue.

Third lesson was like the first, laced with ocassional "du wan" and "go home." But he was generally happy. Before the lesson started, I sat him by the edge of the pool to kick water, which maybe helped him realise that water play can actually be fun. Previously, we'd go right into the pool, and he'd get his face all splashed and wet, something which he especially hates.

This morning, he grabbed my hand and dragged me to sit with him by the pool side. We sat there and kicked while waiting for our class to start. When I got in, he excitedly reached his arms out to me. I could tell he started following the lessons and the songs, and would want to jump in when it's time to do so. Still getting used to being submerged underwater while he "swam" towards me, but he actually splashed water with his palms and was ok getting his face wet!

I am most encouraged! Hope he will continue enjoying himself at the subsequent lessons, and I am hopeful!

Papa has a Soft Heart and I Know It!

We need a disciplinarian at home. And it has got to be me, I think.

Hubs, seeing that the boy is about to throw one of his little trucks onto the floor.
Hubs : Matthew! No throwing!
The boy throws it down in defiance, testing limits.

Hubs (raises voice) : No Matthew! What did papa say?! No throwing!
Matt cast a glance at him, turned around to play with the other trucks. Almost as if one ear in, one ear out.

Hubs : Good boy! Sayang! (pats the boy's head, plants a kiss on his cheeks)

The moment hubs turned away, he threw more trucks onto the floor.

My disciplinarian has a jell-o heart. The sayang came a split second after reprimanding him. Duh!? What discipline?

I do have to admit it's hard playing toughie with the little tyke. He'd pout his lips in the cutest way, threatening to cry, or open his big eyes wide as if to plead with you. Knowing or not knowing it, he melts the hardest of hearts in us.

Gotta toughen me-self up!

Separation Anxiety

Matt has exhibited, to put it nicely, "strong emotional attachment" to me for a long while now, and this clingy-ness went into over-drive twice - once after my Japan ski trip, and the other, after my NYC shopping spree. I came back to a little boy who wouldn't let his mommy out of sight - in case she'd disappear for days on end again! It did take some effort and time to abate the separation anxiety.

Recently, I have been around him a lot, spending loads of quality time. It has, however, the same effect as when I was away, perhaps even more intense. While it used to be easy handing him over to my in-laws before I left for work, it is proving quite difficult to pry the koala cling apart these days. In addition, in-laws and helper said that he has been pining for me when I am away at work, or whenever I am out. Last Thursday, it seemed that he cried for me until he vomited.

I just got home, and helper told me he was rather cranky today, too, crying for me throughout the day, peaking just before he fell asleep that she thought she needed to call me to get me home :(

Feel so guilty.

Am I a horrible mother? One who is not there for her little boy when he needed her?

Little Things

I bought some bubble-blowing wands and bubbles mixture some time back. He enjoys bubble time, initially just standing there, smiling and watching them float away, then later trying to catch them. Recently, he has taken anything remotely resembling the wands like chopsticks or spoon or pencil, places them near his mouth, blows at them and say "no bubbles."

Matt likes to play with my watch and ring. He'd make me take the watch out and wear it on his little wrist. He'd ask me to "open" my ring and place it on his little fat thumb which is almost the size of my fourth finger! Then he'd move his arms up and down to showcase the accessories.

He is in love with his "Bob the bob." It is about the only thing that can command his attention away from me. He loves the DVD and the book introducing all the machines in Bob the Builder. Matt amazes me with his excellent memory. He can remember Muck, Dizzy, Roley and Lofty, what they are/do and where they appear on which page of the book within 1-2 days of flipping through the book.

I feed him a piece of papaya, he takes a bite, expresses delight at the taste, and I threaten to put the rest in my mouth. He'd grab my arms to prevent me from doing that, and I can see him struggling to swallow the half-chewed piece in his mouth and move my arms to shove that piece in my hand into his mouth. If it's hubs doing that, he'd say "beat the papa" after eating the last piece.

He has 10 little Tonka trucks and trains. He will without fail chuck the tow truck aside because it is odd-looking with a hook coming out at the back. Odd one out!

He calls me "mama" or "mamee" interchangaebly.

He knows there's always something at the end of the count from 1 to 3. Either a huge tickle from mama, or mama would blow onto his tummy, or he'd get thrown up in the air. He started doing it on his own, counting 1 to 3 before pressing on the button that releases the cars down the track.

Sometimes, right in the midst of disciplining him, I count down to 3 to indicate time is running out for him. He thinks something fun is going to happen, and he counts excitedly with me.