I Believe in Santa!

Preparing supper

Milk for Santa, carrot for Rudolph

Santa is thirsty

The milk and carrot are gone, mama! Look, son, they left something behind!!

I just love the smile on his face!

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!

The Boys. My Family.

The Celebration

In the midst of gloom, I tried to do things to cheer myself up.

We had a small tea time gathering for Lucas' full month, and had close friends come visit. We had, till then, largely declined visitors in the first month due to my medical condition.

It didn't happen without added stress of planning. Looking back, though, I am glad to have organized it. It was good to break away from the monotony of breast-feeding and hang out with some friends for a bit. A simple get-together, and a reminder that there exist a wonderful reason for celebration.

Darling Lucas, one month old

The Month After

The month post-delivery has been tough and a real challenge. We thought lightning wouldn't strike twice but it did. I was plagued with the same pee problem, marginally more manageable this time, but still problematic nonetheless. I had urine detention. Unable to pee, I had the catheter on twice, which completely killed me emotionally and physically. It hurt when I moved, it was messy when I breast-fed, it stopped me from moving freely when I carried Lucas, it was dreadful when I sat or laid down. I hated it.

The pain affected breast milk supply since it was hard to have a letdown. I told myself, chill - you've been through this before. But it was a mental struggle every time. I wanted to succeed with total breast-feeding.

Between dealing with my post-delivery complication, maintaining a punishing schedule to up my milk supply, being sleep deprived, and trying to be the super mom for Matthew as well, I fell into some sort of emotional yo-yo.

Then Lucas developed an abscess under his armpit, which had to be removed by a pediatric surgeon, so it was in and out of hospital 3 times for him. The procedure was painful for him as he was too young to have any form of anesthetic applied to him when the abscess was cut in order that the pus could be drained out.

I was in a mess. I was a mess.

Glad to have moved on and put the whole drama behind.

Presenting Baby Lucas

He took his time to come into our embrace, but no words can describe the joy of cradling another newborn in my arms once more. O, praise ye Lord, for this amazing gift and blessing.

Our baby Lucas, born 30 September 2011, weighing 3.7kg and standing tall at 53cm.

A Small Lesson on Giving

Matthew with his chosen gift for didi

Increasingly, Matt is aware of birthday parties and giving or receiving presents.

Previously, everything would be done without his knowledge. Presents are purchased and wrapped without his knowledge. If he knew the content of what lies underneath the wrapper, I doubt he would part with them so easily.

Because of his increasing awareness, I decided to involve him in choosing the gift, wrapping it (providing me some cutting and taping services), and giving it to his friend. May not be the noblest gift of time or effort, but I feel it builds some character to learn to part with something he really likes and want to keep for himself, and to do that joyfully.

Gift for Samuel kor-kor

Bluff Me

I have heard from many.

"Second, third kid usually early."

"Wah, you are carrying so low. Guarantee early!"

Warrau. Bluff my feeling.

Patiently waiting.

Out-Sourcing

With the baby due anytime, and unsure if I can manage especially when hubs travel, I have taken the first step in out-sourcing things I do every day for Matt. The first, after thinking long and hard.



The school bus.

I fetch him from school daily, so I decided to let him take the bus home instead. My heart aches just thinking about my little boy who is not even 4 taking a school bus all by himself. My only consolation - he loves buses. He was really excited when I talked to him about it the yesterday, giving him assurance that I will be at home to greet him.

Today, he got off with a big, big grin as he ran towards me and gave me a hug.

But we will still fetch him to school as I cannot bring myself to wake him up any earlier to catch the school bus.

Initiation to Art

I have never been good at drawing or anything in the creative department, and we have been slackers in this respect (and many more).

Over the weekend, hubs had a mission to impart his drawing and colouring skills to his son. He started, very cleverly I thought, with Matt's favourite toys. Using his vehicle toys as references, hubs drew the outline, and had Matt colour the pictures. And he also threw in a session of writing alphabets by writing his name on the artwork.

After just 2 days (and comparing the art work he brings home from school), Matt colouring strokes were a lot more confident and consistent, and he eagerly bugs us for "art class".

Well done, papa!

Moody

Sometimes my blog entries are not reflective of how I am feeling. Maybe cos I blog about more pleasant things to cheer myself up, or sometimes it concerns family members who might access this blog.

But I need to let it out.

I have been feeling very down lately. I feel like I am in the dumps. Been crying a lot, too.

I guess it is convenient to blame the hormones, but I think a large part of it is also because there are real problems with many things in the household.

For one, problem with in-laws, but lets not go there. Suffice to say that at a time when I most needed their help, they have withdrawn it from me. Whether intentionally or otherwise, I have cut them out from my life for the time being, out of disappointment, out of anger, but definitely as a defensive mode to prevent myself from having to deal with them. Less contact, less headache, less nonsense. It does mean things are tougher for me, but at least I have control over things, and that alone keeps me a little more sane. I think they have no clue that I am feeling this way, because I am never rude to them and am largely non-confrontational.

Two, my mother's health. One bad news after another. But with my mom, it is slightly different. She is as strong as she can be, without making us kids worry too much about her. She puts others ahead of herself, even in moments when she should be dependent on others. Although her health is not tip-top at the moment, she remains as positive as she can be, and I call her a lot to just chat, bitch about things (sometimes, dad pitches in, too), sometimes confide, sometimes cry. She is always objective and gives me sound advice. I miss her badly, and wish I can be with her, but we make the best out of the situation. We just call and feel close to each other.

Three, hubs. I feel it has been really hard trying to reach out to him. To let him know how I feel. To let him know I don't feel very loved. Of course, whatever moments we have, we made it a point to spend it with Matt, leaving us with even lesser time. He needs his personal time, I try to understand he holds a stressful job, and needs his break. But it doesn't mean I am happy. But it cannot always be about me. We talk, and he said he has tried his best, and is trying his best, so I will leave it at that. Sometimes it is all about expectations. When you don't have one, there is nothing to fall short of, and you get less angsty.

I joked that in ancient China, pregnant women literally get worshipped when they are pregnant. Eat well, no work, no stress, everything - as they wished it to be. What more if they are carrying a boy. In ancient times, where got scan? Mine confirmed boy some more, but I have no privileges. I want to be a princess!

Jokes aside, I think at some levels, I really want to be treated like a princess. Even if just for a day. But I guess circumstances just do not permit it.

As I approach 38 weeks of pregnancy, I can't help but feel apprehensive about everything. Wondering if I can cope, wondering if things with hubs will get better, even wondering if this is really what I want. Ever the optimist, hubs is positive everything will fall into place. Ever the worrier, I am not so sure.

And my blardy pelvic pain is not making things better. I think I would say it is up there somewhere on par with labour pain. Urgh.

I guess this is the last lap. I will waddle to the finishing line.

There's a Hospital Just Downstairs!

We were upstairs in his room, and I told Matt that when didi is ready, I will have to go to the hospital to give birth to didi, and I will not be around for a few days.


Matt has an idea of his own, though.

Here is where he wants me to give birth to didi - in his Tommy Takara hospital. He said there is a doctor there, too, who will scan didi. And it's just downstairs.

How Does He Know?!!

Matthew used to fall asleep himself but with me in the room, and would sleep through the night on his own after. However, ever since my hospitalization for hyperemesis in the first trimester, he would wake up in the middle of the night and call out for me, and I would have to waddle over to his room. Out of pregnancy fatigue, I have given up the battle of re-establishing the sleep regime with him, and just sleep with him all the way till the morning.

Some nights, I will steal away after he falls asleep and get hubs to sleep with him instead. But somehow, he would know it's not me, and will not fall asleep until I return to him. My mom says that it's him "acting up" with the arrival of a new sibling. Who knows.

But a little funny snippet.

Few nights ago, hubs barely fell asleep when the little boy stirred and did his usual stetch-hand-out-and-feel-if-someone(mama)-is-there. Hubs held his breath, and for a while, little Matt seemed convinced in his sleepiness that all was well.

Till he snuggled under the blankie and touched hubs legs.

Leg hair.

Sits up and examined the shape. And started bawling.

You'd never think they are observant about these little things, but guess they do. Time to make hubs shave his leg hair for some peaceful sleep. Heh! :-)

Excited about his DiDi

Matthew is excited about his didi. He would run often to kiss my tummy, and exclaims "didi, come out now! I want to play with you!"

We read him many books to prepare him for the arrival of his didi. There's a picture from Topsy and Tim: The New Baby where the big brother helps his mommy bathe the baby. He grinned from ear to ear when he saw it, and said, "Didi will shower in my boat (that's what he calls his bath tub), and I will help mama shower didi!"




Other things he says or does that makes me smile -

"I must be gentle if I sleep in the cot with didi. Otherwise, I will crush him."

"Mama kept all these toys for didi. These are toys for babies. I can play with big boys' toys."

In the early days, he thinks that my outie belly button IS didi!

When I am in the bed with him, I use a small pillow to shield my tummy from him in case he bumps into it in sleep. After a few times, he called it didi's pillow, and no one else can touch it other than me and him.

"Matthew came out of mama's tummy so didi can go inside!"

"Didi can only drink milk, but cannot drink juice. Only Matthew and my friends can drink juice from the fridge."

He chose a musical mobile as a gift for didi, and wanted to choose his own gift from didi. I told him I will bring didi to choose the gift, and he gives me a cheeky grin.

His very cute pronunciation of his didi's potential name made us kind of helped us choose that name over the rest.



At the moment, everything seems to point to him being ready to be a very caring big brother. The real test will come when baby is out and vies for my attention and time away from him. But I have faith that my sweet little Matthew will be the sweetest brother to his little didi.

Staying Home

So the decision has been made.

I am going to stay home full-time to look after my children.

And honestly, it scares the shit out of me!

I love Matt, I will love my akan datang baby boy, and I love being a mother.

But I do not know if I can cope.

You see, I have a big problem.

I am a very fang bu xia person, and I am capable of killing myself trying to do everything to perfection. Well, kids never let you have perfection, yet I am known to try till I become miserable, knowingly or unknowingly. That is my greatest pitfall.

And I do not t know if I will do a good job.

How do I know I am doing good? What will be my new Key Performance Indicators, KPIs as known in my job? That my kids know A,B,C and 1-100 by a certain age? Or if they get As, Bs or Cs in school? Or I guess I could possibly create some form of yardstick by pitching my kids against their peers?

Oh! God forbid that, considering how much emphasis I place on my children staying goofy!!

And not to mention this new job, if I may call it "a job", has no tangible benefits yeah? No annual leave, no MC days, no money.

What if my kids drive me mad? What if I am a horrible horrible mama as a result of staying full-time at home?

Well, it's not like it's day 1 that I am a mother. It's just that suddenly I am frightened, maybe so much so that I lost sight of why I am doing this in the first place. To manage my own family so hubs can go hunt in peace knowing that the home is in good hands. To have time with Matt, with di di, to look after them with my own bare hands. To enjoy time with them. To be there for them. To fully live the reason why we decided to have kids in the first place!

I don't know.

I guess best to do is not to over-think things.

I must have faith that I will be able to do it. Positive thinking. I must constantly remind myself that I must be a happy mother, above all else. And learn to laugh at myself a little, let go a lot more.

Apprehensive as I may be, I am very much looking forward to my new role. Wish me luck!

Nasty Cough

Matt developed a rather nasty cough where he was hacking almost every second, literally. It got so bad that his throat and stomach hurt each time he coughed. Temperature yo-yo-ed for days on end, and he could hardly sleep at night despite medication which made him drowsy. He would look at me with sad eyes and repeatedly say, "mama, please help me!"

But nothing I did could soothe him or made him feel any better, and it sucked! :( All I could do was spend time with him, give him cuddles, although it was also hard to do that with a bulging tummy.

He finally showed signs of recovery after 3 such days, and I am relieved beyond words.

I developed fever myself from all that lack of sleep and managing the ship on my own while hubs was traveling, but it is always easy to manage my own discomfort. Just seeing him happy and himself again already made me feel better. My fever has since subsided, just a looming sore throat that is slowly but surely going away.

33 Weeks Pregnant

At 33 weeks pregnant, I am very tired. All the time. Since about 30 weeks maybe? I do not recall being this tired with Matt. I think it only set in much much later towards the EDD with him.

I also have this pain near my groin area which I did not experience with Matt. The pain is particularly excruciating when I change sides in my sleep, or attempt to get up. I am assuming this is normal. A check around with pregger friends - it is apparently very common. Again, this is something new compared to my previous pregnancy.

I get tired even from doing nothing. It's crazy. I am ever so thankful for hubs who tries to relieve me every weekend. He wakes up early every Saturday morning to do the wet marketing. He also prepares meals for the family. Sometimes, he he would bring Matt for outings so I can rest. For example, last weekend, he woke up early to prepare breakfast for the family and brought us all out to the park for a picnic. Then I spent my morning watching people taichi while he brought Matt to the playground. Bliss!

I am also finally getting myself to start preparing for the arrival of the little one. Over the past 2 - 3 weekends, we took out Matt's baby stuff - tested the sterilizer, the breastmilk pump, built his baby cot, the works. I did a stock take on Matt's old clothes, and washed whatever's still wearable. Looking at especially the mittens and booties, can't believe Matt was that tiny before! Having another baby, a boy while at that, and the economies of scale that comes with it certainly quite pleaseth me :)

The excitement is slowly building up.

Who's the Big Bully?!

Matt came home with a bruise above his lip, and I asked him what happened, if any of his friends hit him.

His reply - yes!

I asked him who? And was it an accident?

He said, "The chair, mama!"

What Is Wrong With Me?

It's Friday night, and I am home alone waiting for Matthew to come home from my in-laws. I have been expecting him for the last 40 minutes but he is still not back.

I was supposed to have a date night out with hubs and some friends. I have been looking forward to it. I put on make-up, all ready for a nice dinner after a hectic week. Hubs have been working late a lot. We only manage to talk on the way to work.

But date night didn't happen. In-laws wanted me back early. So I asked hubs to go ahead, he needed a break, too. I came home to eat a lonely dinner of tuna sandwich and a sweet potato.

I am emotional. Doesn't help that hubs already has 3 trips lined up for next 2 weeks. Which means he will be away. Which means I will go at everything solo.

I don't know how to handle this well. I am tired. I am just feeling very emotional. I want to take it out on someone, something. I feel a lot of angst in me, wishing for more support from the people around me. Is it right to expect though? I think I may have too much on my plate - heavily pregnant, mom not tip-top and me feeling lousy I am so far away from her, hubs extremely busy at work, my boss working me hard ahead of my maternity. But everyone has different things on their plates, too.

Sometimes, I am so tired I even feel like "hiding" from Matt. Like when I get to leave work early and reach home ahead of the usual time, I don't want him home just yet. I want to lie down to stone for a while. But I remind myself he is my son, my responsibility. And really, he brings cheer to me. So I get him home.

But tonight I wanted a break. I didn't quite get it. And it sucks.

Am I normal to feel the way I do?